Most of us have set answers to angry questions flung our way during an argument (‘Why don’t you listen to me?!’).
But few are prepared when their partner asks something mid-show, mid-mouthful of crisps on a Friday night like: ‘What do you really think of my Mum?’
There’s a reason why some questions feel so dangerous, our souls want to leave our body. They’re traps disguised as conversation.
Here’s my take on seven of the trickiest – and how to answer without lying or blowing up your relationship.
HAVE I PUT ON WEIGHT?
This is the Everest of unanswerable questions. The first thing to understand is something’s triggered it – an unflattering photo, not fitting into an old pair of jeans, catching an unexpected glimpse of themselves in a mirror (without the subconscious ‘arranging’ and pulling in of our gut that we all do).
Or maybe they saw a post of an ex with an extremely slim, fit new partner and feel lacking in comparison. Or they feel old. The list is inexhaustible given most of us have fragile egos.
Helpfully, the bottom line is nearly always the same. If your partner asks you this question, what they’re really asking is: Am I still attractive to you?
How to answer: There is no version of yes that ends well. A nervous, high-pitched ‘No’ can be equally as bad as ‘A heap of weight, actually!’ if you both know you’re lying.
Resist the urge to comment on their body at all. Instead say, ‘I can’t say I’ve noticed. But you do seem a bit down on yourself lately. What’s going on?’. It shows you care and want to reassure and gives them the attention they were after.
‘Few are prepared when their partner asks something mid-show, mid-mouthful of crisps on a Friday night like: “What do you really think of my Mum?”‘, writes Tracey Cox (pictured)
WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I LOST MY MONEY/LOOKS/STATUS?
The specifics might vary but the underlying question is the same: is your love unconditional or very much dependent on certain things?
They might be traditional draws like a huge salary, glamorous job or wealthy family. Or it might be a less ostentatious reason like you love their Mum so much, you can’t imagine life without her – and he knows it.
It tends to surface during anxious periods in the person’s life – redundancy scares, health or money worries, ageing – or an innate fear they have unseen competition.
How to answer: Name something you love about them that has nothing to do with circumstance.
‘I didn’t fall for your job title/bank balance/abs, I fell for the way you make me laugh no matter how terrible the situation. That’s never going to change.’ Or ‘You’re the only person who has ever really seen me.’
Vague reassurances sound hollow: the more specific you are, the more comforted they will feel.
WHAT DO YOU REALLY THINK OF MY MUM?
Another question with no safe exit.
Anyone who has ever been in a serious relationship knows this to be true: It’s OK for your partner to criticise any member of their family but all hell will break loose if you do.
We had lunch at a friend’s house recently and the atmosphere was distinctly frosty. His Mum had just been over and had a dig at her cooking (not the first time).
When his Mum left, she justifiably told him his Mum was out of line. He didn’t speak to her for the rest of the lunch.
This is how family loyalty works – and it’s worth remembering before you open your mouth.
How to answer: Follow the same rule for making any criticism of anyone about anything: criticise the behaviour not the character.
‘I think your Mum’s comment about my cooking was out of order’ is justified. ‘Your Mum is rude’ is not (even if they’ve called her that themselves).
If your partner is asking because they seem finally ready to have a hard conversation with a difficult parent, then it’s your cue to ask, ‘Do you want my honest opinion or do you want me to just be on your side right now?’. Most of the time they’ll tell you.
DO YOU THINK MY BEST FRIEND IS HOT?
Again, there’s no correct answer because ‘No’ could offend but ‘Yes’ is a threat.
Most of the time this one’s a jealousy check dressed up as a casual conversation. The real question is: ‘Is she/he hotter than me?’.
How to answer: If they’re not, the answer is easy. ‘I mean, compared to you? Not even a patch on you, obviously’. This also works if they are hot because it’s addressing the real question of ‘Who is hottest?’.
If that doesn’t satisfy, shift the focus to their friendship. ‘I think it’s lovely you love each other so much and have such history together.’
If you’re pushed further, say, ‘They’re your best friend. It’s impossible to be objective about them.’
You can’t get away without giving some kind of judgement? ‘Average I guess’ (if they’re kind of hot but not obviously so). ‘Some people would say they are but they’re not my type’ (for the friend who is so ridiculously good-looking even the cat is besotted).
WHY DON’T WE HAVE SEX MORE OFTEN?
Given that most couples in long-term relationships rarely address sex problems head on, this is a sit-up-and-pay-attention question.
It’s probably taken your partner a lot of courage to ask this outright, so don’t fob it off with ‘I’m just tired’.
There is rarely one reason that explains why you’re having sex less. It’s usually a mix of things: tiredness, stress, relationship resentment, body image issues, parenting pressure, work and mismatched libidos.
Underlying it all is the inescapable fact that our desire for our partner falls the longer we’re together. This is no reflection on how much you fancy each other, our bodies become desensitised over time.
The brain loves novelty and it’s extremely difficult to make love to the same person for the rest of your life and keep interest and arousal high.
Low libido in a long relationship is almost always about logistics and headspace. If desire isn’t spontaneous, you need to create it.
Most couples spend an average of four minutes having sex, following the same format, usually right before you fall asleep. Is it any wonder sex gets shifted down the priority list.
How to answer: If it’s a temporary blip, the true answer might well be ‘I’m tired’. But if it’s a pattern, respond with something like, ‘Good question and I’m glad you brought it up. I think it’s got something to do with when we have sex. Who has energy at 10pm?’.
(Choose the least offensive reason of all and timing is a good choice.) This type of answer frames it as a joint problem rather than any one person’s fault.
Rather than avoid this question, use it as lift off for others. ‘How often would you like to be having sex?’ and ‘What’s your favourite thing about sex? Mine is kissing. If we did more of that, I think I’d be in the mood more often.’
DO YOU EVER GET BORED OF ME?
This usually pops up when the relationship changes from staying up all night wanting to know every detail about each other into a comfortable rhythm of takeaways and binging box sets.
If the change is recent, they’re simply seeking reassurance that it’s OK to relax and enjoy. (Correct answer: ‘Never. I love us and think it’s great we can relax together.’)
If it’s asked years into ‘relaxing’, it could be what’s called a significant ‘bid for attention’. Your partner is wondering if they’ve become background noise rather than centre stage.
How to answer: It’s either: ‘I think you are bored with me’ or ‘I’m bored with you/our relationship’. Turn and give them full attention (that means look up from your phone/away from the telly).
Ask, ‘Do you think we’re taking each other for granted and not doing enough new things together?’ or ‘Is this your way of saying I look at my phone more than you?’. In other words, start a proper conversation about it. Do not ignore.
IF I DIED, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT BEFORE DATING AGAIN?
If you look closely at all these questions, none of them are requests for facts. They’re all requests for reassurance, dressed up as questions.
This last question is the perfect illustration. Your partner wants to know they’re irreplaceable, so answer the feeling rather than give an actual timeframe. (Do that and you’ll seem alarmingly prepared.)
The only correct answer: ‘I can’t imagine wanting anyone else.’ Job done.
Visit traceycox.com or follow @traceycoxsexauthor.
