A qualitative study into unicorn pursuit within consensual non-monogamy reveals that couples who seek a third partner often focus on their own pleasure, but the search process itself can also strengthen the existing relationship through improved communication and mutual understanding. The findings, published in Psychology & Sexuality, shed new light on how these dynamics unfold in practice.
In this arrangement, established couples invite a third person to join their romantic or sexual life. The third participant, commonly referred to as a unicorn, is perceived as rare and highly sought after, with many searches traditionally centring on a bisexual woman as the prospective partner.
The researchers emphasised that the study does not aim to moralise but to understand the perspectives of those conducting the search. Led by Alena Bondarchuk-Mclaughlin at La Trobe University in Melbourne, Australia, the team recruited 80 participants via social media and an online survey platform. Respondents answered five open-ended questions about who they wanted to join them, their goals, and the impact on their primary relationship.
Using a qualitative analysis, the researchers grouped responses into four themes: the desired characteristics of the third person, the effects on the couple, the intended relationship dynamics, and the reality of actual encounters.
On who they wanted to join them, most participants explicitly sought a woman, with the majority naming a bisexual woman. Yet nearly a quarter of respondents said gender was irrelevant to their search. Others expressed preferences for men, other couples, or particular personality traits like friendliness.
Participants overwhelmingly described the search as having a positive impact on their relationships. Around four out of five reported that looking for a third brought them closer, with noted improvements in communication, honesty and trust. Open discussions about fantasies and boundaries often heightened the couple’s sexual experiences together.
There was, however, a minority for whom the search correlated with negative effects. Some respondents cited disagreements, pressure, or a breach of trust coinciding with the pursuit, while others described feelings of jealousy when faced with traditional relationship expectations.
The study highlights a sizable gap between the relationship couples say they want with a third and what they actually experience. A majority desired a predominantly sexual relationship aimed at fulfilling specific fantasies or increasing novelty and shared pleasure, with minimal romantic involvement.
In contrast, around 40 percent sought an emotional connection, ranging from friendship to a loving, cohabiting arrangement. Some responses suggested the third should primarily fulfil a service or void while respecting the couple’s priority and not disrupting their bond.
Remarkably few participants mentioned the third person’s own desires or sexual pleasure as a key part of the ideal scenario. In practice, many couples described maintaining purely sexual boundaries, often limiting encounters to one night. About a quarter reported continuing social or romantic connections with the third person.
Expressions of care for the third person were rare in the responses. Only 12 percent mentioned prioritising the newcomer’s feelings or treating them as an equal participant in the arrangement. The researchers noted that many couples approached the search with a view to their own benefit above all else.
Finding a willing third person proved challenging for nearly half of the participants. Difficulties cited included trouble locating suitable matches, a shortage of interested individuals, and mismatched expectations between parties.
The researchers suggested that this lack of success may stem from treating the search as a specialised service rather than the forging of a new interpersonal connection, and they advocate for couples to show genuine care for the third person as well as their own needs.
Limitations of the study include its reliance on self-reported data from a single side of the dynamic: only the individuals conducting the search were surveyed, with no input from the third parties themselves. The authors acknowledge that future research should incorporate the experiences of the third person to provide a fuller picture.
The study, titled “Searching for a third: couples’ experiences of unicorn pursuit, desire, and ethical tensions,” was authored by Alena Bondarchuk-Mclaughlin, Nat Amos and Joel R. Anderson.
