Micro-cheating in relationships can begin with seemingly minor acts, but may develop into something more serious, a couples’ therapist has warned.
Joanna Harrison, author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have, said behaviours such as concealing a relationship, exchanging overly familiar direct messages or turning to someone else for emotional support could create tension between partners.
Other warning signs may include excessive attention on social media, subtle physical contact or sharing confidences with another person instead of bringing them into the relationship.
Ms Harrison said the term was subjective, as couples could have very different views about what crossed a boundary. “Within any couple there might be one person who thinks it’s micro-cheating and one who doesn’t,” she said.
One partner may regard flirting or late-night messages as harmless, while the other considers them close to infidelity. The reasons for such behaviour can also vary, from excitement and comfort to the flattering attention of another person.
Ms Harrison said a person’s actions could also reflect the relationship patterns they had seen from their parents, a failure to move on from a previous relationship or a desire to avoid overburdening their partner with work or mental health concerns.
How to address micro-cheating in a relationship
She advised people who were concerned about their partner’s behaviour to raise the issue without criticism, explaining what they had noticed and how it made them feel.
“A way to start is to bring it up without judgment or criticism and describe what you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel,” Ms Harrison said, giving the example: “I notice that you are always messaging X, and it is making me feel Y.”
Partners should then discuss what they each consider appropriate and listen to the other person’s perspective, she said. The aim was to agree whether anything needed to change and whether both people could commit to those changes.
Such conversations could also prompt couples to consider whether concerns normally taken to a third party could instead be brought into the relationship, allowing them to deal with them together.
People who believe they are the one crossing a boundary should consider what their actions mean and where they might lead, Ms Harrison said. It may be a sign that something in the relationship needs attention, or that there is another way to deal with the need for outside support.
She added that anyone who felt their behaviour was becoming difficult to control, or did not know how to discuss it with their partner, could consider speaking to a third party in a safe setting.
Micro-cheating “doesn’t necessarily have to be the gateway to an affair”, Ms Harrison said, but it could be how affairs began. She added that, after infidelity, people often looked back at the small acts that had preceded something more serious.
