A father who fears his son will be emasculated by becoming a stay-at-home parent has been urged to reconsider his assumptions and trust his adult son’s judgement.
The man wrote to agony aunt Caroline West-Meads saying his son was discussing taking time away from his career to care for future children because his wife earns twice as much as he does.
He said he found his daughter-in-law, an accomplished corporate lawyer in her early 30s, “unbearable” and believed she was bossy, opinionated and dominated his son, despite his having a successful career of his own.
The couple are considering having children, and the father questioned what would happen to his son’s career if he stayed at home to look after them. He also argued that it would be emasculating for his son to become a househusband, pointing to his first-class degree.
But West-Meads said the key issue was what the son himself wanted. She questioned whether he was unhappy, felt controlled by his wife or would resent stepping back from work, suggesting that if the answer to those questions was no, the father might be worrying about a problem that did not exist.
She also challenged the description of the woman as “bossy”, asking whether the same behaviour might instead be viewed as confidence and decisiveness if it came from someone else. The father, she suggested, should try to remember the qualities he had initially admired in his daughter-in-law and accept that she might have faults as well as strengths.
There was nothing emasculating, she said, about a father choosing to spend more time caring for his children. His education and career would not disappear because he took time out, while the couple’s decision could simply reflect the fact that his wife earns twice as much.
West-Meads encouraged the father to look at the situation through his son’s eyes. He might be proud of his wife’s success, content to support her career and enthusiastic about becoming an involved father.
Her advice was for him to step back and trust his son when he makes choices that the older generation may not immediately understand.
