Vex King has urged people-pleasers to pause before agreeing to requests, set firmer boundaries and recognise that constantly meeting other people’s needs can be rooted in fear rather than kindness.
The mindset author and coach said people-pleasing may develop as a survival response, particularly for those raised in tense, chaotic or emotionally unpredictable homes. He describes the pattern as an attempt to avoid disapproval and remain safe and accepted.
King, who experienced homelessness and poverty as a child, said he learned to read the mood of a room and alter his behaviour in response to tension. As an adult, he began questioning which parts of his personality were genuine and which had been shaped by the need to feel secure.
He said the behaviour is linked to what therapist and trauma specialist Pete Walker calls the “fawn response”. Alongside the more familiar fight, flight and freeze reactions, fawning involves appeasing or over-accommodating a perceived threat.
“If this sounds like you, the behaviour you relied on during your early years can imprison you as an adult,” King writes. “It’s time to unlearn this pattern.”
How to stop people-pleasing
King recommends taking five seconds before saying yes to a request and asking whether the decision is being made “out of love or out of fear”.
He suggests paying attention to physical reactions. A decision made freely may feel open, while an agreement driven by anxiety can bring tightness in the chest, guilt, urgency or dread.
For example, someone invited to dinner might notice thoughts such as, “They’ll be upset if I don’t go.” King says that response can be a sign that fear, rather than genuine willingness, is influencing the decision.
He advises using a considerate but clear refusal, such as: “Thanks, but I need a quiet evening in to recharge,” or, “I don’t have the capacity for that right now, but I can revisit it later if things change.”
King said the most difficult boundaries to establish may be within families, where unspoken expectations can dictate what people are allowed to say, feel or need.
He said unhealthy family dynamics are not always marked by obvious conflict. They can instead involve repeated, low-level pressure that leaves someone walking on eggshells or feeling guilty for asking for support.
One pattern he identifies is “unending caretaking”, in which one person is expected to respond whenever there is a crisis but receives little help when they need it.
Rather than immediately taking responsibility, King suggests asking someone who brings them a problem: “What do you need from me right now – a listening ear or help finding a solution?”
He said this allows a person to remain caring without becoming responsible for managing everyone else’s distress.
Family approval can also become tied to achievement or comparison. King advises people who find themselves competing for recognition to remind themselves: “I no longer need to compete. My worth isn’t relative to anyone else’s.”
He warned that relatives may react when a long-established pattern changes, including by withdrawing communication. In such circumstances, he suggests responding: “I’m open to talking when you’re ready to communicate calmly.”
Maintaining a relationship does not necessarily mean remaining constantly available, he said. Shorter visits, less frequent calls and more limited conversations can help someone protect themselves while continuing to care about their family.
King described a woman who had spent entire Sundays at her parents’ home, where conversations eventually turned to comparisons with her sister and criticism of her weight. She now stays for two hours, using an alarm to mark when it is time to leave.
When challenged about going, she tells her parents: “This is the time I have today. I’ll see you next week.”
Setting boundaries with friends
King said people-pleasing can also shape friendships, with some individuals treating their contacts as obligations rather than choosing relationships that make them feel supported.
They may become the designated driver, emergency contact, unpaid therapist or person responsible for remembering every birthday. He said this can lead people to confuse being needed with being loved.
Burnout is a continuing risk when someone feels compelled to keep helping and rarely rests. King argues that rest is not laziness or selfishness, but a necessary refuge.
He said people should distinguish between having free time and being available to others. An empty evening in the diary does not automatically create an obligation to accept another request.
King is the author of five books about mindset and has coached celebrities and top athletes. His advice on people-pleasing has been adapted from his book You Can’t Please Everyone.
